Who do you say that I am?

This question has been in my heart for the past month or so. If you recall, Jesus asked the disciples who the people thought He was. They told him some folks called Him Elijah and others called Him John the Baptist. Curious, but what Jesus really wanted to know was, "But who do you say that I am?"

He poses the same question to us today and our answer is important as we desire to grow in prayer and in following the Spirit. It'll make or break how we go...even if we'll start at all. A lot of our issues with prayer is not with the concept of prayer itself, but fundamentally with our view of God. Since prayer is communication in a relationship, the quality of the relationship is key. So is it surprising that we lack prayer and that we are unable to follow the Spirit when we feel that God doesn't really like us or even that He doesn't care about us? Does God even know that I exist other than the fact that I use up saving grace to get to heaven?

This past month, I have had a newborn to care for. I always thought that when parents talked about getting no sleep that it was figurative. I have since learned otherwise. It's literal. My life goes in 2-3 hour cycles of existence that consists of feeding, changing diapers, putting to sleep, trying to keep asleep, and hopefully, getting some sleep. Combine sleeplessness with being at home alone most of the time and you can get a little loopy...even if you absolutely delight in your baby.

It's in the midst of this existence that one day I felt God persisting with this question. I was feeling completely abandoned out in left field and He kept asking me, "Who do you say that I am?" I struggled with the question and I knew what He wanted to hear from me--the problem was, I didn't feel it. But I finally confessed, "You are my Father," and in that moment, I felt His presence envelope me and wash away the unbelief and hurt. If He was my Father, He loved me, I was not abandoned, He was tender with me even more than we can be with our own children.

We all have our own inner dialogs that we need God's Spirit to speak too, but I would be willing to bet that most of us have an age old struggle that God doesn't really care about or know me. Remember the Israelites? We all know that they grumbled and complained after they left Egypt. It seemed like no matter what God did for them, they quickly forgot and resorted to testing God. We read in Hebrews 4 that their major issue was unbelief--they didn't believe that God was for them, that He loved them, that He would take care of them...and it resulted in them trusting in themselves and trying to make a way on their own--or even worse--wishing they were back in Egypt where they conveniently forgot that they were slaves.

That illustration is not isolated--not then, not now, but we fight back with faith. We take God at His word. We look to the cross and see that He gave His most precious son for us already--how will He not also give us all things promised. Is God a liar? Is He fickle? Is He faithless? Can you say He is your Good Shepherd, loving Father, Provider, Protector, faithful, your compassionate Advocate? Do you believe that He is for you and that He likes you?

If you find yourself struggling in your walk with God, with prayer, ask yourself what it is you really believe about God. Listen to your heart to hear what accusations you hold against Him and then bring those things in honesty to Him. Let Him reveal Himself to you through the word, through remembrance of the past and find those accusations melt away. Find healing in His presence.

"River City, who do you say that I am?"